Thursday, September 5, 2013

Wanted - Crazy Roommate!

Here's the deal - I've been trying to rent a room in my house, but saying, "We're a house of laid-back working people looking for same" has done nothing but bring out the crazies. Either that, or my standard for crazy is so low that nobody on Earth qualifies as sane. I feel that I must have been doing something wrong, so I'm going to try a new tact: ask for the crazies in the hope that a normal person replies to me. Here's where you come in. If any of these apply to you, I want you to be my new roommate! -Your Facebook photo has you pointing a gun to the camera with a bandana around your neck and wearing a shirt that says "Thug 4 Life" -You've been evicted from your last three places because your landlords "were all stupid biches"[sic] -You're hoping to cram yourself, your significant other, and two kids into one room. -You have enough pets to classify your room as a small zoo. -You are thinking about moving up to the Seattle area, so can I please hold the room for two months until you can look at it? -You want the room at half the price with utilities thrown in... with your own private bathroom, entrance, and hopefully kitchen (if it's not too much to ask) -You feel the need to explain how your ex screwed you over in your introductory e-mail -You want it to be so 420 friendly that... dude... wait... what? Don't be bashful! Apply immediately! You must be able to fail a criminal background check, preferably with at last one felony and be at least a level three sex offender. Unemployed is preferable but not required. References from previous evictions a plus. My ideal roommates are pictured above.

belly button lint

I have a collection of belly button lint,will trade for muscle car,harley,rifles gold coins work also or make cash offer ,also interested in motor cycles. no lowball serious only willing to split if you dont have what im looking for,,

Idiot dog to any home

$20 to cover cost of electric training collar. This dog is a North American Black and Tan Jackass, 2 years old and has ADHD. Likes to dig. Will dig his own water bowls. He will eat any kind of food or non-foods. In the past he has eaten and returned: two pig-shaped corn holders, pencils (found metal and eraser), matchbox cars, a spoon, everything out of the compost bin, and a diamond necklace. He's REALLY friendly and will hump any dog or small child he can find. Yes, he's neutered. Excellent jumper. Would be a great foxhunter if he was a horse. Can not walk in a straight line. Can not be walked in town. He will have a meltdown; yipping, spinning, and working himself up so much that he will collapse from the sheer mental exhaustion that comes from walking to the corner store. Will not bark at strangers in your home. Attention span maxes out at 4 seconds. Not food, toy, clicker, or praise motivated. You can watch his brain shut off. His eyes go vacant in a blink. Pulls. Pulls HARD. Wear gloves while working with him. I have lost skin from the leash being ripped from my hands. Will respond to shock collar beep and occasionally vibrate settings. Ignores shock setting. If you are interested in adopting Dingus, let me know. I'll leave him attached to the mailbox for pickup. In case you haven't guessed, this ad is for venting purposes only. You should have seen how bad he was as a puppy.


My friend asked me if I wanted a cat a few months ago, I told her no and then came home to find that she had trapped it in between my windows with a bag of cat food and a litter box. She is very much crazy, she scratches my furniture to hell, bites me when I try to pet her, but follows me to bed every night. She likes to go outside but then when she wants back in, she climbs on my screen door and hangs there ans meows till I let her in. She is ruining all my shit, I really dont want to take her to the shelter, but I dont want her, didnt ask for her and figure maybe some kind of cat whisperer is out there and just maybe there is a small chance someone would take her before she very likely meets her death at the pound. If you think this cat is the one for you, please please please let me know! I hate her, but there is someone out there for every animal, right? But we arent a match and my friend is a real asshole.

Haunted 1960s coffee grinder

Relic burr coffee grinder from the 1960's. Available for immediate pickup. FREE! with caveats. . . 1. The finest setting is still pretty coarse, but if you use a French press, you're in hipster coffee heaven. 2. It's haunted. Take a picture using Hipstamatic or Instagram in a low lit room with the grinder to your right, in line with and roughly level with your heart, and a ghostly image of Timothy Leary will appear in the frame. Also, I've woken up several nights to find the grinder had moved from my kitchen counter to my nightstand and was watching me sleep. The grinder has been known to go missing for weeks at a time only to reappear back in it's original location on the counter. Despite the drama, I've kept it this long because it makes a fine cup of coffee when it's around. Unfortunately, it scares my new girlfriend so I've been asked to get rid of it. I'd ask $1,500 for it, but California being a particularly litigious state I can't afford to be deemed liable for destructive paranormal activity or demonic gates that open in your home, thus I offer it anonymously for free. 3. Works best with Peet's coffee. Sorry, if it has disappeared from the spot on the porch, I can't help you. I really have no control over it.


Free for the hauling, Winter. Beautiful cool, snowy, Christmas-esque Winter complete with majestic snowy pines and frozen lakes. I've had my share and I don't want to deprive anyone else, Several hundred acres to give, just haul it away. Will consider trades for green grass, lemonade and flip flops

Uncertain Tin Foil

This roll of tin foil is a veritable joy to work with, due to its indecision regarding the nature of its unraveling. At times it sprouts ribbons, shiny ribbons of joy. Efficient for wrapping cat paws, chewing, balling into pellets and inserting in the inner ear. When all you really want is to cover some damn tupperware. A joy!