Wanted - Crazy Roommate!

Here's the deal - I've been trying to rent a room in my house, but saying, "We're a house of laid-back working people looking for same" has done nothing but bring out the crazies. Either that, or my standard for crazy is so low that nobody on Earth qualifies as sane. I feel that I must have been doing something wrong, so I'm going to try a new tact: ask for the crazies in the hope that a normal person replies to me. Here's where you come in. If any of these apply to you, I want you to be my new roommate! -Your Facebook photo has you pointing a gun to the camera with a bandana around your neck and wearing a shirt that says "Thug 4 Life" -You've been evicted from your last three places because your landlords "were all stupid biches"[sic] -You're hoping to cram yourself, your significant other, and two kids into one room. -You have enough pets to classify your room as a small zoo. -You are thinking about moving up to the Seattle area, so can I please hold the room for two months until you can look at it? -You want the room at half the price with utilities thrown in... with your own private bathroom, entrance, and hopefully kitchen (if it's not too much to ask) -You feel the need to explain how your ex screwed you over in your introductory e-mail -You want it to be so 420 friendly that... dude... wait... what? Don't be bashful! Apply immediately! You must be able to fail a criminal background check, preferably with at last one felony and be at least a level three sex offender. Unemployed is preferable but not required. References from previous evictions a plus. My ideal roommates are pictured above.